In reflection (which is a good thing to do) and in regards to my ham radio activities, my attitude is changing. I find myself questioning my skills and abilities and on DX’Peditions I get the feeling I irritate people more. This cumulates in me not finding the same satisfaction in hobby like I used to.
I spend lots of time working on projects around operating, not just for my own benefit. This is what I enjoy, or enjoyed, in amateur radio, but I now find unless I beat a drum about this effort, or an achievement, it goes unnoticed, I really hope I’m not developing an ego. Not having praise never seemed to bothered me previously, but the past year or so it seems to be others steel the limelight and I find myself more and more on the fringe and when I think of the effort I put in, and that much of this effort might not be for my benefit, is not satisfying anymore so I need to make a choice.
I feel also when I do operate or make suggestions around operations they are dismissed. This again leaves me questioning my ability, or even if I knew the answer or what I’m talking about at all before!
I feel I’ve always been generous and I’ve been told many times I’m too generous, which is probably right and I’ve now come to realise this generosity never seems to be returned by many who benefit directly from it and lately I’ve suffered from it, including financially.
Much of this could be down to me and my changing attitudes add I get older and some of this might be a result of my recent cancer treatment during which I had time to consider things; while strapped into the radio therapy chair I set myself some goals, something I imagine many do when receiving such treatment, and during Lewis 2014 I was unable to achieve some of them.
I’ve been sitting on some of these words for a while now but after recent events, and reading some colourful books, I felt it time to write it down so I can understand it.
I don’t think I can give up constructing, I’ve got engineering in my core, so I think I need to give up on operating and do my own thing.